By Lady RuNett, April 30, 2019 — I come from a family where the women were not expected to be outspoken or verbally defend themselves. I remember as a child, my maternal grandmother would constantly say, “You shouldn’t feel like that.” As a result, my mom and my aunts seldom made their feelings known and carried a lot of “stuffed pain.”
My mother was not allowed to show how upset she was and reveal how much she hated doing recitals when it kept her from making friends. She loved playing the piano but she had no desire to be a concert pianist. That was my grandmother’s dream. So, my mom, much to her mom’s disappointment did not force me to take piano lessons. My mother saw that I liked singing so she encouraged me to sing but under no circumstances did she want me to be her clone. So, when I would get the question, “How come you don’t play piano like your mother?” My mother would answer, “I want her to be herself.”
This had a great impact on me while I was growing up and discovering who I was. My mother encouraged me to be myself but my grandmother and my aunts were constantly telling me how a lady should be and act. I was being conditioned to suppress my anger, my sadness or my frustration because “a lady maintains dignity and poise at all times.”
None of this helped when I married a man who thought that the only valid emotion was anger. If I was sad, depressed, frustrated or disappointed; he assumed I was angry because it all looked the same to him. I was grateful the day I met a counselor who finally understood my dilemma. I confided that I was conflicted because the words, “you shouldn’t feel like that” still played over and over in my head. To my surprise, the counselor told me that I had every right to my feeling, including my anger. Since she was also a Christian minister, she added that the Bible says to “be angry and sin not” It does not say, don’t be angry. She told me that it was more important for me to deal with that anger in ways that were not negative or harmful to myself or others. So, I learned how to handle my emotions better.
I certainly know how we, as Black people feel about counselors. My grandmother would call it airing one’s dirty laundry in public. Still, I am grateful that I was smart enough to seek out a counselor and I found a wise one. I learned that sometimes it is best to be by myself and deal with my feelings prayerfully. Most people kneel down to pray. I prefer to find a doorway, a window or even go outside and look up to the sky. I find that doing that gives me solace and after a few deep breaths and a prayer, I go back to having a good day. Thank God, I can be myself.